MAN'S BEST FRIEND
Dogs in movies have all sorts of amazing super powers that regular dogs can’t do. Air Bud could catch balls, for example. Beethoven could eat hamburgers really fast. And who can forget Clifford, the red headed dog, who could get really tall? But what if you had a genetically engineered dog who could do all of those things, plus…more? Meet Max, man’s best friend.
We start our tale inside of EMAX, a center for genetic research on animals. This lady wants to blow the lid off of the experiments happening inside, not for the good of humanity, but for $500. I hope she had another job lined up, because I doubt upper management would be happy about this. She calls Lori Tanner, a friendly reporter known for her stories on polyester and how great of a fabric it is. It’s the girl from Breakfast Club one haircut and a few years after graduation. I can hear the casting meeting now…
“Get me that girl from the Breakfast Club!”
“She’s not really doing horror movies right now, sir.”
“Get me the other girl then.”
“No, the pixie stick one.”
So Ally Sheedy is a bit bored with her jacket material exposes, and she’s like, “Oh fuck it, I’ll meet you there, it’ll be super great.” Then the lady who was trying to get half a thousand dollars gets killed by something in the lab via GoPro view . Serves you right, you greedy whore. Unfortunately, now the super sleuths have no way into this very secure building.
The reporters show up and walk right in anyway because it’s a movie and we need to move along here. They go into the lab and see typical house pets like cats, rabbits, jaguars, bears, and tigers being tested on. Lori then finds Max, a Tibetan Mastiff, who is the only animal under a sheet. She does what any cautious reporter would do and sticks her little turkey sausage fingers into the cage and then opens the cage so the dog can lick her face with the same tongue that he both kills scientists and rims his butt with. The dog is then like, “Fuck this, I’m think I’m going to leave.” The reporters are spooked by Lance Henricksen because he’s wearing a jean jacket while simultaneously wearing matching jeans, but they get away from him and leave in their superfast car.
Henricksen is interrogated by Danny DeVito and Andy Garcia, and they ask him a few questions.
“Why would anyone do this?”
“No, I mean why would anyone wear all that denim at one time?”
Danny DeVito eats in every scene, a character choice that Brad Pitt would later steal for those Ocean bank robbery movies where him and like 9 friends try to steal a bunch of money from paying audiences and get away scott-free. The cops end up like, “Eh, we’ll dust for prints, but it’s 1993 and a park just opened at which you can see actual real dinosaurs running around and that shit went super badly, so this is the least of our problems.”
The reporters go to shop for groceries and a mugger attempts to shake them down, but Max jumps out, kills him, and brings back the purse. Not a drop of blood on him, which seems weird when we find out later that he ripped the guys intestines out. She decides to keep the dog and brings it home. Her boyfriend is like “(clip).”, so now he’s a bad guy. I don’t hate him for not wanting the dog, but I do hate him for thinking that any dog other than Clifford could weigh 600 pounds and for looking at restaurant menus in bed. “Hey, look at this one.” It’s the cover of the menu you idiot, it’s just one big P on it, what are you expecting her to say?
The next day, this hockey player from the Mighty Ducks just comes rollerblading into the house to eat and he notices the dog. Lori is like, “I’m busy, take this dog for a walk, knuckle puck”. They go for a leisurely stroll during which, the Mighty Dink eggs the dog on to get a cat and after a bit of peer pressure, it climbs up a tree and eats the pussy whole. Turns out this dog has cool powers from a bunch of other animals. Here we saw the power of the bear, climbing up a tree, a snake, swallowing a cat whole, and a grease monkey, identifying a brake line.
If you’ve made it this far into the film, you’re probably asking thinking to yourself, this is an excellent mix of both horror and boredom, but when will it turn into a rollicking comedy? Fear not! We are soon introduced to two dog catchers, who are so stupid that they thing dog catching is a sport worth being on ESPN. Then again, when I had the ESPN app installed, they sent me updates on the Kardashians, so I guess these two dinguses might actually be geniuses. Also, fuck ESPN, I uninstalled the app that day and haven’t watched since.
After eating, Max gets horny and decides that he wants to fuck a dog he saw on his walk, so he breaks into that dogs house and rapes her while whimsical music plays for laughs. 1993 was a different time I guess. The dog then reveals that it pisses acid, so he must have giraffe DNA too. He then kills a mailman for funsies in the least dramatic foot chase of all time.
Mr. Menu Reader comes home and decides that because Max chewed through his brake line, he’s going to poison Max with the stupidest looking rat poison box in a set dressers arsenal. Max isn’t stupid though – he chases the guy straight out of his house and then kills the dude’s bird, probably because he has cat genes in him. That bird was a bit of a dick anyway.
Lori decides she better not keep a dog who can cut brake lines and decides he would be better off living with this trustworthy looking fellow who runs the Making a Murderer junk yard. Turns out he’s not a good guy but we could already tell because he’s also wearing denim all over his body. He turns on the blowtorch and tells Max he’s going to turn him into a hotdog, which is a hilarious joke. He does torch Max’s face, but gets his own hotdog bitten off in the process.
Back at Lori’s house her boyfriend got her a new puppy, he’s proven by now that he’s really great with dogs. He goes upstairs and Max pisses on his face with his acid filled wiener, but not before he tries to reason with the dog. The neighborhood kid comes over and starts making a Frappuccino, when they realize Max is back for blood. He tries to defend Lori from Max, but dogs always beat ducks. He should have used a hockey stick. The cops open fire on the house full of innocents because that’s what cops did in 1993. Luckily their shooting skills are worse than their dog catching skills.
Max comes back at night and kills DeVito & Garcia and Lance kidnaps Breakfast Club to lure Max back to the lab. Max looks super badass now. Max lunges at Henricksen and pushes him out of a window really hard, since the railing just breaks like it was made out of paper towels, but Max takes a fatal blow in the process. Oh, and the little dog who’s still here, decides to plug in a silver box that turns into Thor and electrocutes the cage somehow, frying jean man alive.
The epilogue shows that the dog who got raped had puppies, and one looks like Max. He looks sad because although his dad had cool powers, he turned out to be a fucking scumbag.